How do we teach them?(Healthy Living)

[Malarky]

We might start by not being so overprotective that they have no coping skills when they lose.

We aren't doing our kids any favors with the everyone wins/everyone gets a trophy mentality.

Life involves winning and losing. Someone always comes out on top. Their lives should reflect that. Part of our job as parents should be teaching what to do when things don't go their way.

[Malarky]

Mar 11, 2012 18:05:51 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

Many of the stories here are of killings, done by young men, many due to girlfriend issues.
We teach our boys how to handle defeat on the playing field, but how do we teach these young men, with raging hormones, how to handle female rejection?

www2.indystar.com/library/factfiles/crime/school_violence/school_shootings.html

Do we teach boys how to handle defeat on the playing field?

Even though score is kept, before the high school level, every one gets a trophy. My kids always referred it as the "Thanks for coming."

Raging hormones and female rejection are nothing new. The difference is the way kids are raised these days. So much effort is expended worrying about hurting their little feelings and not enough spent on making them responsible for their own actions.

Teaching by example is a good place to start. DH and I do not have a perfect relationship. Our kids see us at our best and our worst. We also discuss these events when they happen.

[Malarky]

Maybe someone should have taught Tanya not to think so lightly of cheating on Jacob behind his back.

I didn't read the link so this comment is based solely on the above quote...

Someone should have taught Jacob that sometimes you don't win-the girl/the prize/the trophy. That doesn't give him the right to take it from someone else. Or destroy it so no one else can have it.

Sometimes you don't win. I learned that early on, so did my kids. It seems to be a foreign concept to many.

ETA: I know firsthand about cheating. That's why I have an eXH. You walk away, without killing them-no matter how great the temptation.

[Tired Tess]

And when these situations come up, speak with your children. A HS student kills him/herself bring that topic up at home. Tell your child if you can't tell me the problem write it down and leave it on my pillow. I might not like what you did, but I'll always love you. I can't read your mind. Help me help you.

Not on the same tragic level, but one day DS and I were in the library. OMG the way this young girl (12) was talking to her Mom. Belittling her, cursing at her; awful. When DS and I got in the car I didn't sound upset. I just asked him what her thought was wrong and how he would of handled that situation.

Also, DH and I have taught our kids from an early stage that no one is allowed to hurt them and THEY are not allowed to hurt themselves. I believe this has kept the drugs to a "yea, tried it but not interested" phase and not drinking to the point where they puke their guts up.

Hug your kids EVERY chance you get.

[Deleted]

One of my son's friends committed suicide this past summer. So heartbreaking, i still weep over that. My #1 advice to parents. DO NOT KEEP Accessible guns in you home! Keep your guns locked! Lock up ammunition elsewhere. This is not the same world as when we grew up. When i grew up, there were guns everywhere. Everyone had hunting rifles and stuff and us kids would have never dreamed of touching them. Not so with today's kids. And it isn't just your kid you have to worry about but other kids who might come into your house and so forth.
And yes, if someone is determined to commit suicide there are many ways to do so. But there are few things more lethal and effective than a self inflicted gunshot wound. So, i do not and will not have guns in my home. And, if you think it won't happen in your town, it will. It isn't worth the risk of losing another young life.
I can only see these parents and think "if only" because apparently this was a totally spur of the moment act on the part of their son. Would he have tried another method? I don't know. But, his parents were in the house when the gunshot went off. If he would have tried other means such as pills or whatever, they might have had the opportunity of some time to intervene.

[jkapp]

Geez, whatever happened to just spitting in the girl's face and calling her a whore? That seemed to work when i was a kid...that was less than 20 years ago

[jkapp]

Mar 11, 2012 18:46:26 GMT -5 Malarky said:

Mar 11, 2012 18:05:51 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

Many of the stories here are of killings, done by young men, many due to girlfriend issues.
We teach our boys how to handle defeat on the playing field, but how do we teach these young men, with raging hormones, how to handle female rejection?

www2.indystar.com/library/factfiles/crime/school_violence/school_shootings.html

Do we teach boys how to handle defeat on the playing field?

Even though score is kept, before the high school level, every one gets a trophy. My kids always referred it as the "Thanks for coming."

Raging hormones and female rejection are nothing new. The difference is the way kids are raised these days. So much effort is expended worrying about hurting their little feelings and not enough spent on making them responsible for their own actions.

Teaching by example is a good place to start. DH and I do not have a perfect relationship. Our kids see us at our best and our worst. We also discuss these events when they happen.

This is true...they spend so much time treating the children's egos like fragile merchandise, that once it gets hit with a true test, they can't handle the hurt.

Lesson to learn: stop focusing all efforts in building up a child's self esteem. Let their egos get hurt once in a while.

[kgb18]

And yes, if someone is determined to commit suicide there are many ways to do so. But there are few things more lethal and effective than a self inflicted gunshot wound.

Sadly that is true. While I absolutely agree about keeping guns locked up and away from children, they aren't the only method. We recently had a rash in our area of people, including at least one teenager, committing suicides by standing in front of oncoming trains. So horrific.

I just think it's important for parents to talk to their children about everything. Teach them to have care for other people's feelings. Teach them that they don't always "win." Teach them that they are likely going to have their heart broken at some point and while things feel awful and hopeless at the time, eventually things will get better. Encourage them to talk to you, or another trusted adult, about how they are feeling. And most importantly, watch for warning signs when things start to go from typical teen angst to a serious problem.

[Deleted]

I just think it's important for parents to talk to their children about everything. Teach them to have care for other people's feelings. Teach them that they don't always "win." Teach them that they are likely going to have their heart broken at some point and while things feel awful and hopeless at the time, eventually things will get better. Encourage them to talk to you, or another trusted adult, about how they are feeling. And most importantly, watch for warning signs when things start to go from typical teen angst to a serious problem.

Some of the greatest advice to a parent in my opinion.

Keeping lines of communication clearly opened for our children can save their lives..

Tell your child if you can't tell me the problem write it down and leave it on my pillow. I might not like what you did, but I'll always love you. I can't read your mind. Help me help you.

Tess.. Oh, how I agree with the above..

[moxie]

"How do we prepare them for this without making them so cautious that they never fall in love?"

There WILL be bumps in the road of life...it happens. Life is a learning experience, from BOTH the good and the bad. I think you need to teach them that while something may seem like a big deal at the time, that WITH TIME, it will get better. Encourage them to come to you or another trusted individual if they need to talk and then give them LOTS of love and support. COMMUNICATION!

[Deleted]

Know what Moxie.. Love will find it's way.

I think most learn who and how to love by trial and error.. Our children will too. Bumps are a' coming, you are so right and is how even we as adults learn all about life, by trials and lots of errors..

[Deleted]

May 15, 2012 16:50:57 GMT -5 @moxie said:

"and then give them LOTS of love and support. COMMUNICATION!

The two major components after making room for communication.. Love and support.

If we swing the door wide open for our children to enter and then slam them to bits after they come in, oh what a waste.. I was watching a documentary late last night concerning scaring troubled kids straight.. The screaming that took place by the hosts instilled rebellion and a stiffening up response by most they were trying to help! But one person spoke soft, yet firm and broke through to the heart.. Wrath was stayed..

I guess my point is. We the adult should remain as calm as possible, yet firm enough to help make a difference in our children's lives..

[Deleted]

Good points. I think maybe enough isn't being discussed in the home. And I think more needs to be addressed in regards to hurting the feelings of others. Maybe someone should have taught Tanya not to think so lightly of cheating on Jacob behind his back.

[Opti]

Since you can't control the actions of other people I think Jacob and others need to be taught how to handle being rejected, cheated on, etc. without resorting to suicide or murder.

[swamp]

Nov 19, 2012 1:01:18 GMT -5 Opti said:

Since you can't control the actions of other people I think Jacob and others need to be taught how to handle being rejected, cheated on, etc. without resorting to suicide or murder.

While Tanya should be taught to be nice and not cheat, people being mean to you is a fact of life. You need to know how to deal with getting your feelings hurt.

[Opti]

Nov 19, 2012 8:36:58 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

Nov 19, 2012 7:16:40 GMT -5 swamp said:

While Tanya should be taught to be nice and not cheat, people being mean to you is a fact of life. You need to know how to deal with getting your feelings hurt.

I think this goes beyond someone getting their feelings hurt.
For us adults, it's easy to say shake it off. But I remember being a hormonal insecure teen and for them, not so easy.
It seems that the best solution would be to simply teach, mostly through example, our kids to respect their friends and the relationships they find themselves in.

When its not easy is the most important time to control yourself the best you can. I realize you think your solution is best but it makes everyone responsible for someone else's actions which to me is ridiculous.

Men are emotional creatures too and because they are wired differently they don't have the means to release things as easily as most women. I think if we could find a way to teach men/boys and all females how better to handle extreme emotions and disappointments there would be less murder, suicides. Truth is every day an adult man somewhere snaps and kills his former lover, kids, etc. because he doesn't know how to deal with a relationship falling apart. Doing it the way you suggest is just going to make this stuff more prevalent, not less. Just read last night about the man who put poison on his kids pizza because he didn't know how to deal with the breakup of his marriage. A 5 year old boy is dead and there was no status on the 7 year old girl.

Lastly Lone you seem to tout personal responsibility politically yet seem to want us to treat men with kid gloves because you feel they can't take it. I don't see how everyone coming in contact with someone should be more responsible for that person's emotions than the person themselves.