gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Mar 3, 2019 10:48:41 GMT -5
A police officer stops a driver
For shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an a-hole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
The Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
The Lawyer questions, "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."
"And what does the "AH" stand for, Officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for a-hole?"
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 4, 2019 0:50:24 GMT -5
I saw a ladder with no rungs. Honest, I didn't make it up.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 4, 2019 0:51:46 GMT -5
If two vegans have an argument, is it still considered 'a beef'?
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 4, 2019 0:53:06 GMT -5
BONOPOLY: like Monopoly but where the streets have no name.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 4, 2019 0:55:44 GMT -5
I was going to make a joke about sodium and hydrogen but then I thought, "NaH".
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 4, 2019 0:57:27 GMT -5
I've quit my job at the helium gas factory . I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 4, 2019 7:16:55 GMT -5
BONOPOLY: like Monopoly but where the streets have no name.I live on one of those streets
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
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Post by Tennesseer on Mar 6, 2019 0:04:03 GMT -5
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
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Post by gambler on Mar 7, 2019 12:12:27 GMT -5
A bale of hay
A fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 9, 2019 8:48:58 GMT -5
Last Friday was International Women's Day.
It was supposed to be Thursday but apparently they took longer than expected to be ready.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Mar 9, 2019 16:17:59 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Mar 10, 2019 16:21:27 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Jokes
Mar 11, 2019 23:32:32 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on Mar 11, 2019 23:32:32 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 11, 2019 23:32:52 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 11, 2019 23:34:10 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 11, 2019 23:35:14 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 11, 2019 23:36:56 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Jokes
Mar 12, 2019 14:10:43 GMT -5
Post by Tennesseer on Mar 12, 2019 14:10:43 GMT -5
Not a print joke but funny never the less. The Late Show's James Corden pranks David Beckham.
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NoNamePerson
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Jokes
Mar 12, 2019 14:37:27 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 12, 2019 14:37:27 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Mar 14, 2019 1:28:51 GMT -5
Not a print joke but funny never the less. The Late Show's James Corden pranks David Beckham. Good one! I really like James Corden. No. Really. . . - hahaha.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 15, 2019 17:09:23 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 17, 2019 7:33:36 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 17, 2019 7:36:04 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 17, 2019 7:36:18 GMT -5
You made my day with this. Off to save the world now!!!!!
ETA: this was in reply to the weatherman video - you jumped in ahead of me while I was typing!!
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 17, 2019 7:54:12 GMT -5
Can you imagine if the fookin forecast was said like that? At least when they fookin lie it would be fookin funny!
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Mar 17, 2019 10:17:11 GMT -5
The Kindness of the Irish
The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man. Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Chicago, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about 1/2 hour later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Mar 17, 2019 10:29:05 GMT -5
The Kindness of the Irish The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man. Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Chicago, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience." When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight." Her next announcement came about 1/2 hour later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available." All that drinking on empty stomachs. I hope there are more than 103 barf bags on board.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 17, 2019 13:07:53 GMT -5
The Kindness of the Irish The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man. Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Chicago, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience." When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight." Her next announcement came about 1/2 hour later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available." All that drinking on empty stomachs. I hope there are more than 103 barf bags on board. Did you miss the part about them being Irish?
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 17, 2019 19:05:19 GMT -5
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket.
He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards looks into his pocket.
The Irishman responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Mar 18, 2019 0:08:34 GMT -5
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