thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 9, 2011 15:29:56 GMT -5
Probably more like a voice that's chattering away in the background. Because I'm pretty sure she isn't listening to anything you are saying.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 9, 2011 15:30:05 GMT -5
OP, you did communicate clearly which is why others who have been down this route are telling you it will not end well. You think with your heart, which is why you make a good nurse, but you also use your head which is why even if a patient does not want to get a shot, take their meds, go to PT, you make them do it anyway. Your "friend" does not want to listen to reason and she will not stay friends with you very long as soon as she figures out you won't be her wallet. You can lecture all you want, in one ear and out the other, but as long as your wallet is open, she'll "listen." You close that wallet and she is history as well as your "friendship."
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 9, 2011 15:30:32 GMT -5
People here are trying to save you the grief as well as the expense.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Aug 9, 2011 15:33:43 GMT -5
I think this is the key (and Drama hit on it above). Babies are your weakness. If your friend was not pregnant, I'll bet you'd be a little more reluctant to buy her food, diapers, what have you. She very likely knows this, and is capitalizing on it. It sounds ridiculous for you to pretend she's not pregnant, but I think it might help you remove some of the emotional filters from the situation if you do.
And steering someone in the right direction often involves letting them hit bottom - and then giving them a hand (not a handout). Subsidizing her car payment, iPhone, etc. is just going to allow her to continue spending her fun money on herself and then thinking she can run to Frugalnurse whenever her baby needs diapers.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Aug 9, 2011 15:43:26 GMT -5
I would just feel like a complete jerk telling a pregnant woman no, I won't buy you lunch
Don't. Pregnant woman are just as capable of pulling out their wallet as any other person. If she's broke, well, she'll figure out how to become unbroke pretty fast.
I've followed along and haven't said anything so far, but to me as far as the "shed" thing goes as long as it is climate controlled and has proper ventilation it is fine. I don't even think the lack of a bathroom is a huge deal unless your friend is just going to pee on the floor. Babies can pull things over anywhere once they are big enough. Being in a "shed" vs an apartment won't make a difference. DS stands over the vent in the living room. He realized he doesn't like the cold air coming up so he bends down and shuts the vent. Babies/toddlers will figure things out. There are dangers everywhere. You cannot babyproof the world.
I know you are concerned frugal and that is good, but you don't really know how people are going to react and what they are going to do once the baby is here. Even parents don't know. You can be 120% ready for your baby and what you do will be completely different. There are somethings you just have to learn yourself. She may surprise you and get her act together once the baby is here.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 9, 2011 15:47:38 GMT -5
Don't. Pregnant woman are just as capable of pulling out their wallet as any other person
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Aug 9, 2011 16:33:19 GMT -5
Now, I'm going to have to flip sides on this - YUP the ex-SIL called... she has blown all but $9 of her paycheck and didn't even have her kids (I did)... smh
She will find out very quickly that if she doesn't change her habits that she loses friendships, she loses people's trust and will not be able to stay in a relationship. No one wants to deal with someone that doesn't take responsibility for their own actions.
The only reason I haven't told ex-SIL to go fly a kite is because she has physical custody of my nieces.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 9, 2011 16:41:57 GMT -5
You can feed/care for your nieces without feeding and caring for their mother.
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reeneejune
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Post by reeneejune on Aug 9, 2011 17:01:39 GMT -5
frugal - This is going to be really snarky, but I think someone should say it. Your friend already has a plan. Either cheating hubby will come around when the baby is born (for a while at least) or she'll find some other man to marry her and support the baby before the year is out. She might even discover that some men aren't too picky about the status of the divorce before they start supporting your friend and her baby. Hate to say it, but you're the cash cow for this girl between sugardaddies.
I said it before and I'll say it again, when she starts talking about her bonehead choices, firmly say "I don't agree with that choice and it upsets me to talk about it with you." then change the subject. You can still have a relationship with someone without feeding their delusions. My sister and I have an agreement to never discuss our parents because she refuses to remember that they were abusive and thinks I'm nuts. We're better friends, better sisters when we agree to disagree.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Aug 9, 2011 17:23:50 GMT -5
zib- Karma when I regenerate.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Aug 10, 2011 6:02:26 GMT -5
I agree with muttley. Just take a look at the kid thread... lots of pregnant people on there getting some great info and thinking they have everything figured out. Then they actually have the baby and things change. Having a baby in your arms and home is a lot different no matter how much you babysit, work with kids, etc. Perceptions of what is important or how to care for the baby changes. Sometimes it is funny to see things someone said while pregnant and how it changed once the baby was here. Not to pick on you drama , but I let's take her for instance. I remember drama posting about how she wouldn't bf because she works and it would just be too challenging (while pg). Well look at her now, she made it a full year! There was no way for her to know how challenging it would be until it happened, or how much she would or would not want to do it. Things change, people change. Your friend may grow up, she may not but if you provide a crutch for her, financially or otherwise, she'll continue to use it and you'll most likely end up full of resentment
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Aug 10, 2011 6:09:11 GMT -5
She says this in post #5
Her parents don't have room for her in the house, they have 2 kids at home and her mom also runs a daycare from the home (without a license- don't get me started on that one).
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Aug 10, 2011 6:14:43 GMT -5
You have no disagreement from me.
Perhaps the friend is presenting it this way to frugalnurse to get more sympathy/cash. Who knows?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 10, 2011 7:53:08 GMT -5
We only have the OP's word that it is a "shack".
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 10, 2011 9:02:33 GMT -5
Perhaps her parents are tired of enabling their daughter's bad choices in life and wish to make it as uncomforatble for her as possible in hopes that it will get her to make some good choices? Who wants to listen to a baby cry? The parents are smarter than the OP, it seems, as they are not getting involved with the trainwreck because they have experience with how it is going to end.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 10, 2011 9:13:09 GMT -5
What is really sad is that this reminds me of Casey Anthony. Instead of giving her child to a loving family to adopt, she used the child to manipulate others. I can see this young woman duct taping, trunk burying, and chloroforming this child so it doesn't interfere with her "lifestyle." If she isn't able to use her to get a man, that is.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Aug 10, 2011 10:03:18 GMT -5
zib- Your point about Casey Anthony is my point about MYOBs and POS parents. I have been trying to go around this.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 10, 2011 10:09:07 GMT -5
Wow, based on a post from the OP you can deduce all that? That's an amazing talent you got there.
There is absolutely no evidence whatsoever that this woman is going to neglect or endanger her child. Just because she said something stupid about clubbing and thinks she will be able to go out on Halloween with her pre-baby body back doesn't mean she is the next Casey Anthony for pete's sake.
She says the house is cluttered and not safe for a baby. Does this mean the friend should be on an episode of Hoarders or that she doesn't have every piece of furniture bolted to the wall and lock on the toilet seat before the baby is born?
So she has an I-phone and is over extened on an SUV. How many people on this board and YM have done hte same thing? Yet people don't accuse them of being potential child killers.
The woman is still pregnant and from the OP herself the woman is following her pre-natal care schedule properly and that is pretty much all you can do till the baby is born.
Not saving every dime you have and thinking you know how your life will be once baby is born is NOT call to say someone is the next Casey Anthony.
Honestly I think this is more of a case where the friend isn't doing what the OP THINKS a pregnant woman/future mother "should" be doing and is trying to force that woman to fit into her expectations.
Should she be a concerned friend, yes the woman is in a rather shitty situation and doesn't sound like the brightest crayon in the box.
But to label someone a potential child killer based on a handful of posts from the OP is ridiculous, unfounded and beyond judgemental.
God I am glad I kept mostly to myself and the pregnancy thread over here, I can't imagine what people would say about me if I hadn't stuck solely to new mothers/pregnant women.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Aug 10, 2011 10:41:13 GMT -5
Based on your posts, it doesn't sound like you think much of your friend, her husband or her parents-- which makes me question why you are her friend.
My take on this situation is that her parents didn't have another bedroom in the house for her, so they converted the shed to a bedroom. It has electricity, air conditioning, a bed and probably other items that make it a fairly comfortable bedroom. I'm sure she uses the house plenty for the kitchen, bathroom, living room, is at work a good portion of her time and uses the bed in the air conditioned shed to sleep in at night.
When the baby is born, maybe the grandma will have him/her in the house the bulk of the time for daycare and he'll sleep in the bedroom shed with his mom at night. Or, maybe she'll find a different living situation or reconcile with her husband. Too many what ifs for you to even be considering reporting her. The situation doesn't seem dire or dangerous to me.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 10, 2011 10:48:47 GMT -5
ROFL! Okay snerd - you flipped the switch from non-judging and supporting to knowing all and having all the answers.
Not that I disagree with you - but it was just funny for you to spend 5 pages saying that the woman is a grown person and can make her own decisions to villianizing the parents for not moving heaven and earth to let their girl inside. Maybe they want her to be miserable so she will move out, and they know if they let her move inside it will be like bringing home a stray cat - they never, ever leave.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Aug 10, 2011 10:54:49 GMT -5
For all we know, the bedroom shed is more comfortable and more private than the bedrooms in the house. I knew I guy that converted his shed to his man cave and spent all his time out there. It had a tv, mini fridge, bed, etc- he loved it. We called him Toolshed Ted.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 10, 2011 10:59:39 GMT -5
I knew I guy that converted his shed to his man cave and spent all his time out there. It had a tv, mini fridge, bed, etc- he loved itMy FIL has a 'man cave' set up in the minnow house, it's where he goes to escape MIL.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2011 11:01:11 GMT -5
I agree that this girl sounds just like Casey Anthony. I suggestion doing whatever needs to be done to separate the newborn from the mom as soon as she is born.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 10, 2011 11:06:28 GMT -5
My neighbors have a house that was built when Arizona was still a territory, and air conditioning wasn't invented yet. They still sleep on their sleeping porch many nights. They did it a lot more when their kids were young. It is an interesting, non-code, type of structure. Does anyone want to come over and evaluate it?
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 10, 2011 11:06:44 GMT -5
and arch - {{snort!}}
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Aug 10, 2011 11:11:21 GMT -5
My DGMs next door neighbor turned the one time garage into a man-cave because his wifey won't allow the guys in the house for games. That said, it's fully insulated, is totally up to code, has running water and plumbing, etc.
And unless they are falling down on themselves, older homes often, if kept up, are in a class by themselves. They were made for the area and to last. Not to pad someone's pocket.
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Clever Username
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Post by Clever Username on Aug 10, 2011 11:31:18 GMT -5
Snerd- She could get rid of her SUV and her iPhone Watch it with the social work advice. Suggesting stuff like this will probably get her kicked off of food stamps.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Aug 10, 2011 11:56:29 GMT -5
I agree with muttley. Just take a look at the kid thread... lots of pregnant people on there getting some great info and thinking they have everything figured out. Then they actually have the baby and things change. Having a baby in your arms and home is a lot different no matter how much you babysit, work with kids, etc. Perceptions of what is important or how to care for the baby changes. Sometimes it is funny to see things someone said while pregnant and how it changed once the baby was here. I was thinking that too. Just read the last 10 pages of woman who have recently brought babies home. See how much what they thought would happen and what is actually happening and see what the difference is.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Aug 10, 2011 12:26:51 GMT -5
double post
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Aug 10, 2011 12:26:52 GMT -5
"So, i am curious why her parents would tell her she can't live at home but live in the shed?"
It's possible they've set up the shed to be a more comfortable and private bedroom than inside the house and the OP's friend prefers it that way. It's possible she's getting a free place to live, the support of her family, free childcare and a solid nursing career ahead of her. These things have a way of working themselves out. She's still very young (24?) and like someone else said- kids are resilient and adaptable.
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