Someone help me feel better

[Angel!]

Long story short - DH got into trouble with the law again a while back - nothing to do with me or the kids & happened since we have been separated. He is probably going to jail & I figure that is his problem for being stupid.

This morning I get a text from his ex (from before me) saying that I should pay for his lawyer & how can I care enough to marry & have kids with the dude, but not care enough to pay for a lawyer.

I have no idea why, but the text upset me so much & I keep trying not to cry at work. I texted her back that if she was so worried, then she can pay for a lawyer & to stay the fuck out of my business. Then I called him up & cussed him out for having her involved in my shit & told him that she needs to leave me the fuck alone.

But, I don't feel better. I feel like crap & want to curl up into a ball & cry & I don't really even understand why I am so upset.

So, can you all please be my therapist or just let me vent for a little bit & make me feel better. I realize I am bringing all my personal drama to the board & maybe am acting like doxie or whatever. But, I am really upset right now.

[pig]

That sounds like a bad situation. Vent away. Hope it all works out for you.

[swamp]

You have every right to be upset. You're trying to make a break from him and she just dragged you back into his drama.

The important thing is you stood your ground. His problems aren't your problems. And you're right, if she's that worried, she can pay for the lawyer.

[midjd]

First of all, you are not like Doxie...

Second, I'm very sorry. Your response to the ex was right-on. In no universe should you be expected to pay for his lawyer. He got himself into this mess, and he can get himself out.

These sorts of things can take you by surprise - sometimes something happens that I think should upset me, but doesn't, and then something fairly minor happens and I fall to pieces. It may also be pent-up emotion from the past year or so - not just the text, but everything leading up to the text, that is upsetting you.

So vent away... and I hope things get better.

[bluevette]

That stinks! I can see why you're upset, though. Since you're separated, I think you're right not to pay for his lawyer.

[whoisjohngalt]

wow, some people really have have guts This woman is a piece of work!!

Don't be upset, you handled it very graciously and much nicer than others would. Good for you once again for being strong!!!!!!!

Lena

[swasat]

Hugs Angel.

I know your story from the old MSN board. He is a moron and you know it. You USED to care enough to marry him and have kids with him. But he did not keep his end of the bargain in the marriage. So why should you care NOW?

Its not beacause of you that he got in trouble with the law. He is a grown man who should know better what he is doing. If he gets in trouble repeatedly then its HIS problem, not yours. You are not his sugar mama you know. He can pay for his own damn lawyer.

You have your hands full with two kids. You don't need a third kid to give you more trouble.

(((((hugs again)))))

[Deleted]

1st - don't apologize, we love drama.

2nd - vent away, we love drama.

[Deleted]

These sorts of things can take you by surprise - sometimes something happens that I think should upset me, but doesn't, and then something fairly minor happens and I fall to pieces. It may also be pent-up emotion from the past year or so - not just the text, but everything leading up to the text, that is upsetting you.

I agree with midwest. Vent away!!

[Deleted]

Well the ex texting me and trying to tell me how to handle my business and what to do with my money would tick me off too.

It sounds like some drama you shouldn't let yourself get sucked into. Paying for a lawyer is DH's problem and I'd let him figure it out without involving me.

I'll take a wild guess and say you might be upset because it's a reminder of some of the things that were wrong with your marriage and that perhaps DH hasn't changed all that much. Plus, despite you seperating from him, you probably still care about him and he's still doing dumb stuff. You can't help how you feel, you can only control what you do about those feelings.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Gardening Grandma]

Honey, I am so sorry this happened. She had no business sending you that text and your response was spot on.

Any way you can block future texts from her?

<<<hugs>>>
Grandma

[busymom]

Go ahead & vent. That's what we're here for!!


I think you handled the situation beautifully. I wouldn't pay either.

[qofcc]

So sorry that she upset you, but this is SO not your problem. Ok, if he did something stupid and is probably going to jail, is paying for a lawyer for him really going to be something you'd want to do even if you had the money? I mean really, he's going to get a public defender, so maybe a better lawyer could get him a slightly better deal, but maybe not. And I think you said he's been in jail before, so when he did whatever he did, he knew this could happen and he took that risk. Nobody put a gun to his head and told him to do this stupid thing. Would taking money away from your kids really be the thing you'd want to do even if you weren't divorcing him? And if she cares so much, why isn't she paying for the lawyer? Or his parents? Really - asking the mother of his children who he left without a dime to bail him out - how dare he? And maybe it wasn't even him that was asking, maybe this was her deal.

[Deleted]

Honestly, if it was my husband that I'm married to and LIVING with, I probably wouldn't pay for his lawyer! (Depending on what it was for I guess...)

Seriously, aren't you two getting divorced? WTH would this have to do with you at all. That chick married him too, so obviously SHE loved him at one time. Let her freaking pay. Some people.

[brdsl]

Did I accidentally log in to facebook?

[Abby Normal]

Tell her you're not paying for his lawyer so you have the money to support your kids since he probably won't be paying CS while he's in jail.

[Plain Old Petunia]

How did his ex get your cell phone number? Do you know her in some other way, besides her being his ex? Why does she care? Why does she even know he needs a lawyer? She has a lot of effing nerve suggesting YOU need to help pay for his legal help.

You'll get through this, Angel. It takes time to heal, be patient with yourself.

[michelyn8]

Is it possible you're upset because you hoped he would get it together enough to be some kind of father to the kids despite your separation?

I used to stress over things my ex did because of how they impacted our daughters. I did my best to be friendly towards him, work with him, etc. because I wanted him to be in their lives. One day I realized it was up to him, not me and I just let it all go. Best decision of my life.

You handled this well. Now if the ex-GF contacts you again, just tell her you are not going to discuss this matter with her and not to contact you again. As for the ex-H, let him clean up his own mess and maintain the status quo on any previously agreed upon contact with the children. However, I would not agree to take to them see him while he's locked up. He can make cards to send them while he's in and visit once he's out.

Cry, scream, throw something, vent here - let it all out - and then go hug your kids and you'll feel much better.

[Deleted]

Look at the bright side -- he didn't call you to come and bail him out. That's something to be grateful for, right?

[Formerly SK]

Jul 13, 2011 12:13:11 GMT -5 Abby Normal said:

Tell her you're not paying for his lawyer so you have the money to support your kids since he probably won't be paying CS while he's in jail.

Seriously, if HE loved his kids he wouldn't have broken the law in the first place.

[Angel!]

Thanks all (I archie, hilarious), I feel a little better - 30 minutes of crying in the bathroom helped. Hopefully no one noticed I was in there that long & no one stops by my desk anytime soon because I look like crap.

Jul 13, 2011 12:20:58 GMT -5 @cheapcat said:

It sounds like your soon-to-be-Ex was whining to his Ex about his stupid problems & trying to somehow make it seem like your fault.

I am guessing that is exactly what it is & I think that is partly what is pissing me off. He is telling her god knows what about what a horrible person I am & it bothers me that it seems like he has run right back to her now that we are splitting up, like I am so easily replaceable. It bothers me that she may just be relaying how he feels, when I called to yell at him he said that she is crazy & he doesn't think I should pay for his lawyer, but who knows.

As far as her having my #, I can't recall why, but at some point years ago she was given my number & obviously she saved it, either that or DH just gave it to her, but I doubt it because he had to know that this would only really piss me off & not help his situation at all. I don't keep her # & only recognized it was her because she is the only person I know from that area code. I don't know her through any other means & we don't talk.

I really thought that telling her to fuck off & cussing him out would make me feel better & it didn't. Then I kept trying to come up with other things to say to them that would make me feel better & realized there is nothing I can say. I almost called & cussed her out too, but then figured it won't help, I won't feel better & she might actually succeed in making me feel worse.

Just sucky. I hate people!

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

You have every right to be upset. You're trying to make a break from him and she just dragged you back into his drama



And it probably made you rehash all the mistakes you made since she went on about how you married him and had kids with him.

Everything is clearer 20/20 hindsight and having someone remind you that you "loved him enough" to do all these things probably scratched a very deep wound.

You are absolutely right though not to get involved and to tell them both to piss off. Let the city assign him a public defender or his ex can pay for one if he wants/needs one that badly and can't afford his own.

You owe him absolutely nothing.

I'd also call your cell phone provider and see if you can block her number from your phone so she can't text you anymore. There are ways to do it, but it varies on provider.

[Deleted]

Who cares what he's telling her about you either. I don't know your story, but it sounds like she didn't get herself much of a prize. Just be ecstatic you're not part of whatever mess he's gotten himself into and enjoy a nice stress/lawyer-free evening with your kids.

[midjd]

it bothers me that it seems like he has run right back to her now that we are splitting up, like I am so easily replaceable.

That's the thing though... you're NOT replaceable... he probably figures that he's never going to have it as good as he did with you, so the evil he knows (ex) is better than the evil he doesn't (singledom or skanks). A lot of guys go running back to their exes because somewhere inside they know that no one else is going to put up with their crap!

[stl76]

I think you handled it properly and I can totally understand what you mean about wanting to say more. But I think the best would be to not say a word, if she or he texts you again, completely ignore. That would drive them up the wall
And I am sorry that you ex is such a loser but look on the bright side, you had the courage to get rid of him and guess what, you survived just fine! This is just one more incident to prove to you how your decision was the 100% right one for you and your kids.

[Angel!]

Jul 13, 2011 12:53:47 GMT -5 @tbird said:

don't cry - get angry!

AND STOP with the DH. H is sufficient, but why not XH? At least STBXH???

Can I cry & be angry?

Honestly, it is wierd being this upset over this, I don't think I have freaked out like this in over 6 months. I think like others said it is a combination of all the past & other factors playing into my emotions & the text totally caught me by surprise.

I guess DH is just a habit & he isn't XH until 9/1 - should be our last court date ;D.

Then he has his own court date on 9/26, probably followed by jail if you believe him .

[midjd]

Believe it or not, as crappy as you feel right now, this is good... you may have been repressing a lot of these emotions for your kids' sake or some other reason (conscious or unconscious), but it's always good to get things out.

I'll bet in a day or two you will feel refreshed and relieved.

And dealing with emotional vampires or otherwise toxic people is never easy. My dad is one of them. It takes time, but eventually you'll condition yourself to just let it roll off your back... or you'll hear or read something, but it won't even penetrate your brain

[Deleted]

Give us her number.

[moneymaven]

Angel - take a deep breath and remind yourself this is why you're separated. You should be proud to be absolving yourself of such incredible non-sense. Block her number with your cell phone provided. Go back to the bathroom, look yourself deep in the eyes and give yourself a pat on the back. You should be damn proud of yourself for leaving this moron and removing your children from his toxic and wreckless behavior.

[swamp]

Jul 13, 2011 13:18:59 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Give us her number.

HA!