Work and raising a family...

[Deleted]

how did you make it work?

All this talk about babies got me thinking about how would we manage it when it happens.

I want to hear from single parents, married or divorce parents... between working/promotions... how did you make it work?

I work on average of 45-60 hours a week. Example today I left for work at 7 and did not get back hom till 8. Since today was a rest day, no gym. But usually that would require me to leave home at 4:30 or be getting home at about 9-10 (depending if I went to the gym before or after work). Most days (2-3 times /week) I try to get to work at 7.

My wife usually manages to work only 40 hours a week or brings work home. So she leaves at 8 and get home by 6; 7:30-8 PM for the days she goes to the gym.

Currently I travel for work every couple of weeks or so but hopefully will die down as I delegate more of my work to my replacement.

Weekends are good, we could spend all 48 hours with the kids
But what about weekdays? Between 8-10 hours workdays, how do you or did you fit in :
- diaper changes
- feeding time
- bath
- bedtime stories
- etc.

We were talking about it and it just seems we leave home just to come back and get in bed.

One option would be my mother in law moving in with us. She is all for it, but we are both really reluctant and it's more like a last, very last option.

[giramomma]

Well, I think you'll find that with a baby, their basic needs trump your basic needs.

Ie, if the kid gets hungry every hour, you feed the kid every hour. If the kid poops, you change the diaper. If the kid is too sick to go to daycare and needs to go to the dr, you take off of work and get your kid to the drs. It doesn't matter when these things happen, and your schedule is meaningless.

I work 60 hours a week at a few jobs. But I am the income getter.

My husband works a part time job, and takes over the lion's share of the day-to-day icky parenting-the diaper changes, the burping, and more of the sick days. Basically, anything that involves a bodily function. My husband also does the grocery shopping, most of the cooking, the laundry, and outside maintenance stuff. My husband also takes the kids to classes.

I get to do most of fun stuff of parenting: clothes shopping, birthday party planning, volunteering in the school, attending school performances, the buying of all the gifts, arranging play dates, arranging vacations, etc.

I have a very flexible job, so I am able to be there for my older child during the day for school things. I also negotiated a work at home day. I've also been known to work after the kid's go to bed for an hour or two. And I've also negotiated a flex schedule, working four really long days and getting one day off.

When I am home at night, I do bedtime stories and baths. If I am not at home my husband does them. We share night time parenting.

You will also find you become more efficient the less time you have. For example, because I have limited time to shop, I do shop all year. My youngest child's b-day is in November, and I'm done shopping for presents, and have started on Christmas Shopping. I do my Christmas baking starting after thanksgiving.

Those really nice, foodie meals I used to cook. Gone. I don't have hours to cook anymore, and my husband doesn't, either. So, we try to cook meals where we can have leftovers a second night. Or, we will do simple meals when we need to. Soup and sandwiches aren't exciting, but can be good food, nonetheless.

We streamline things as much as we can. And, I know your wife won't want to hear this, but the less stuff you have and buy, the less you have to maintain. Which, gives you more time to spend doing things with your kids.

I also did not choose a sexy career. I really don't have a career, actually. But, the mortgage company does not care if I have a career or a job. And, life in the slower lane does allow me to have more time with my kids.

But, even with life in the slow lane, getting 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep for a whole week is a big treat. Hell, going to the bathroom by yourself is a big treat.

You haven't even touched on visits. Because when you have a child, you'll be busy visiting that close family of yours nearly every weekend. Your nuclear family will have less time to bond. And, being away means less time to clean the house and deal with other normal living things.

You can't have it all all the time. I think if you decide money is a more valuable resource than time, you run the risk of adversely affecting relationships. If you think time is more valuable than money, then you run the risk of having to make harder financial choices. (We don't have a ton of modern trappings. Our kids never had 80% of the baby gear. But, we are sending them to private school to get a better education.)

So, it all depends on you and your wife.

[Deleted]

Jul 11, 2011 22:27:32 GMT -5 @rj said:

One option would be my mother in law moving in with us. She is all for it, but we are both really reluctant and it's more like a last, very last option


If you want your mommy you arent ready to play house

She could either move in for good in 2-3 years or move in in 10-20 when she is to old to live on her own.

We always knew he would eventually move in with us since my wife is an only child. Multi-family homes is quite the norm in my culture so it's not like I am losing any sleep over it.

She stayed with us for 6 months after the earthquake in Haiti and honestly I kinda liked it, it was like having a stay at home wife without my wife having to stay home. My wife is OCD about keeping a clean home, her mom is OCD on steroids about the same thing (yes the apple did not fall far from the tree).

And we would wake up/come home to :
- breakfast being ready
- dinner on the table
- laundry done
- clothes ironed
- house neat
- our dog happy (our dog LOVES my mother in law and alwas get sad when she leaves). He gets company all thru the day and get walked more often. He also leaves our bed and go sleep with her when she is here
Yes I can see the allure of a stay at home wife.

Anyway, she still visits us every 2-3 weeks and stays for a week (she is retired) and we get along pretty well.

[Deleted]

Jul 11, 2011 23:04:38 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Well, I think you'll find that with a baby, their basic needs trump your basic needs.

So, it all depends on you and your wife.

WOW!
Is there anyway to test drive the whole parenting thing for like 6-12 monts and see if you are ready? If not return the baby

I am joking lol ;D

It's kinda hard to tell what we would do since it would be such a major change. Now we are both focused on our career (I am going back to school for my MBA) so doesn't bother us the long days and we understand/accept it.

We tend to deal with it. Example now I am about to head out the door and my wife is still in bed sleeping. By the time I get back home, depending on how busy her day was, we might be able to spend a couple of hours together or she might be already be in bed sleeping. Yes I've had those days

It would just suck to leave home when you kids are in bed and come back they are already in bed on a regular basis

[mamasita99]

A lot of my friends have worked the kind of career you describe, and none of them were happy with the work/family balance. They ended up pretty stressed out, overweight, and exhausted because there just wasn't enough time in the day. After the first two years, though, they find a rhythm and somehow it works in the long term.
IMO, having dependable child care from MIL (especially if you are ok with this) will help the family and work life flow better. The drop-offs and pick-ups, and rushing to pick up baby on a late night really can eat a lot of time each day. Not to mention that when you come home and dinner is made, the house is clean, you can decompress and focus on enjoying your family. You are right, it is like having a SAHM! Are you sure MIL is up for that, b/c that is a lot of work for MIL?

Having MIL come live with me would not be an option b/c I feel it really is too much to ask from grandma, but I know your culture feels differently. For myself I would rather look closely at my work schedule to see what can be done more efficiently, investigate a great day care situation, and get used to working out at home!

[achelois]

Gym days will become a thing of the past, sleep will be limited and you will become very good at multitasking.

Being very organized will help. I had all my meals planned out for six weeks--do 1 thru 6 then rotate back to week 1, a shopping list that correlated to the food and supplies we used. Posted the meal schedule on the fridge so everybody knew what to expect. A master calendar listing schedules and appointments.

I remember cooking dinner while simultaneously doing my homework and helping my kids with their homework and having clothes in the washer and in the dryer.

My husband was rarely home, so no help. It would have been lovely to have had a "wife"!

[daisylu]

I work on average of 45-60 hours a week. Example today I left for work at 7 and did not get back hom till 8. Since today was a rest day, no gym. But usually that would require me to leave home at 4:30 or be getting home at about 9-10 (depending if I went to the gym before or after work). Most days (2-3 times /week) I try to get to work at 7.

My wife usually manages to work only 40 hours a week or brings work home. So she leaves at 8 and get home by 6; 7:30-8 PM for the days she goes to the gym.

I do not mean this harshly, but with that type of schedule why have a child? Will either of you be able to free up more time to spend at home?

[yogiii]

Your schedules sound similar to what ours were - now they are something like this .. me at work 6-4, home at 430, DH work 8-6, he works 5 mins from home. He goes to the gym 2 days/week. I haven't gone to the gym since the day before DS was born (we both used to go 4-5 times/week). Life is very hectic. We have opposite Fridays off, so one of us is always home with DS on Friday. A family member watches him from 730-430 M-Thu. I don't think this is sustainable in the long run. I'd like to be able to go to my kids soccer games (or whatever activity they do). I'm hoping that when they are older the economy is better and I can go down to PT. I'd love to be SAHM but I think I'd feel too guilty putting so much pressure on DH. We'll see what happens. Since he's beeen born (he's 14 months), we've only gone out 3 times without him, 2 of those times were to weddings, once was out to lunch. We both feel that we don't see him enough during the week so we don't even want to go out with friends etc on weekends. I suppose we could after he is sleeping, but with a schedule like that, we're too tired to do so. Now maybe you can see how money magically appears when you have kids, most likely you won't do anything other than work and sleep. Also, I barely have time to eat (DH and I like to cook and the only take out we ever get is pizza 1x month) so even though I don't go to the gym anymore, I'm still the same size I was pre-preggo ( I guess that's a perk)

[Deleted]

You figure it out as you go. No one knows what they are doing when they start.

[pig]

Life as you know it now will end.

[yogiii]

Jul 12, 2011 6:20:53 GMT -5 @pig said:

Life as you know it now will end.

That's probably a better description than the paragraph I wrote. I just wanted to add, I like my new life too

[giramomma]

I was thinking about the whole MIL in law helping raise your child thing.

In your situation, I'd be very leery. You aren't going to be able to fight two women who show their love by spending money. This is what your children are going to grow up expecting, that love means how much expensive stuff you can give and get. IMVHO, that can be a bit of a disservice when it comes time for your children to find a life partner.

When you no longer have room for the toys MIL has bought, and continues to buy, how are you going to handle that? Will she get upset when you try to sell or donate toys?

Your children will also likely not listen to you if you try to teach them about how to have financial freedom by the time they are 25. As you are finding out, you guys would have much more freedom to make more choices if you weren't tied to debt. I was given the gift of financial freedom by my parents. So was my husband. Honestly, that gift was better than any material thing that I could have gotten growing up. We have choices, choices, that you and your wife never will have. Course, we'll never have all the trips you all have because we don't make as much, so it's a double edged sword.

Your MIL being around you all the time is NOT the same as visiting. Your families don't have good boundaries now. Do you really expect that your MIL is going to honor your boundaries when she's living with you? How are you going to handle it when your MIL does something that you don't agree with? Will she respect you guys, or will she give you the time honored parental line "Well, it worked for us. You turned out OK, didn't you?" and then go against your wishes?

How are you and your wife going to feel when your MIL gets to see 90% of the kids firsts, and not just the milestones, but the first time at the beach, the first time at the zoo, the first mommy and me swim lessons?

Someone told me having two children was twice the work of having one. It's really true. Unless your kids will be a year apart, your MIL staying for 3 years won't be enough. I think when our 2nd was two, we finally got into some sort of routine.

What happens, if something terrible happens to your MIL? Then what's your plan? Are one of you in a position to take care of a child and your MIL?

Are you comfortable loosing all marital privacy for such a long time?
And, I'm not just talking sex. There's no way I'd want my parents to have the same level of intimacy with me as my spouse. But, I know your culture is a little different..

Figure out what kind of parents you want to be. Do you want to be hands on and involved? How much parenting are you willing to delegate and for how long? Then you figure out a way to make it work.

[skubikky]

Jul 12, 2011 6:20:53 GMT -5 @pig said:

Life as you know it now will end.

Basically this is the core of the matter.

As was stated up the line on this thread, the baby's needs trump all else.

I was 27 when DD was born. Worked full-time(engineer). DH was finishing his engineering degree. We had daycare 3 days a week the first year and he took care of her the other days while he studied(a remarkable guy...after 26 years he's still the man).

I'd come home, cook, clean, feed and bathe the baby, do laundry, food shop and whatever else had to be done while DH studied.
I had a lot of energy and kicked it.

Make no mistake about it....it required a lot of energy and organization. Weekends were spent with the little darling and focused on family stuff.

When DS was born three years later, DH had graduated and was working(engineer) full time. I stayed home for the first year....and then returned to work while both went to daycare.

The following years were a mix of daycare and DH being home as he experienced a few layoffs before landing a long term position.

It wasn't ever a question between us that the kids took priority over everything else except our relationship which we made time for as often as possible.

I think having to put the kids first helped me to mature a great deal...but as any parent here can tell you....parenting ain't for sissies.

You don't know what it will be like or feel like until you do it. And waiting for the exact "right" time should be balanced with your age. We're 53 now and have a 25 yo and a 22 yo. We're really enjoying our time together. Taking our first summer vacation that will be just the two of us.....I can't wait!

Cawiau....you'll figure it out...you're a sharp kid.

[happyscooter]

DH and I both worked M-F, he 7-4 and me 8-5. Both kids were in daycare since they were 3 months old. I had to work, mortgage payments were out of this world. Back then there were no grocery stores open all night or places that hired for just weekends. (not that the pay would have helped, but I could have done that and been home during the week) We went to work, came home, ate dinner, gave the kids a bath and played with them for about an hour then went to bed. That was for about 3 years (our kids were born close together).

Whoever got home first started dinner, it didn't matter what it was. If it was hot and on the table, it was dinner.

We said 'no' to any requests that people made of us. No teaching Sunday School, no Bible School, no charity work. It wasn't worth the extra work that the non-teaching parent would have to take on.

But it gets better as time goes on. You are busy with other things. Dance classes, little league, scouts, cheerleading, etc...

[binl1908]

My wife and I went the SAHP route. When the kids were born, she put her career on hold and did 98% of the parenting while I got a couple of part time jobs (along with my full time) to bring in enough to pay the bills. It was just as hard on her as it was for me. When the kids got to pre-school she found some part time work. About the time the kids were in regular school, I became a full time telecommuter (and head chef and chauffeur for the kids) and the DW restarted her career in a full time position.
Compromises were made. We put retirement investing on hold till we were both working again. We lived a lower "life style" then we would have if she kept her full time job. That did help in the long run since we kept our moderate spending even after we were both working. That gave us a chance to catch up on our retirement accounts, pay for the kids college, and let us retire early.

[telephus44]

I think also that one or both of you will scale back on the hours you put into work. Before my son was born, I would leave at 6:30am and be home about 7pm, occasionally take work home and occasionally go in Saturdays. Now I pretty much leave work at 5pm. And it's not that I've become a clock puncher - knowing that I HAVE to leave to pick up my kid has made me a more focused and productive worker - I get twice as much done at work now than I ever did when I was staying late. DH started working from home a lot more often.

[happyscooter]

Any reason your MIL has to live with you to take care of the child?

[Deleted]

You guys are scaring me!

For now I am taking 12 weeks off after DS is born, then DH is taking 6-8 weeks off to watch DS. After that his mom, aunt, and grandmother will help with the childcare. It'll still be hard as I will start up the Master's degree program again next June, so I don't know how that's going to go. I imagine it'll be rough until I finish.

[happyscooter]

My MIL could have taken care of our son (her grandchild) but choose not to. It was so hard on us, physically and financially. But they wanted us to 'appreciate' what we had since we had to work for it. Now, I will help out anyone I can until they start taking advantage of me. Which only happens once and then I said 'adios'.

[lazysundays]

we have family that lives 1.5 hrs away, but my schedule allows for us to make it work. DH works 9-5, 10 min away, and I work 12:30-9, 10 min away. We have found that it works great to send baby to daycare 12-5:30. I spend all morning with her and DH has the evening shift. The baby seems to do very well with that schedule. I figure when the oldest is school age, I will switch my schedule to 7-4. BTW, baby loves her school. You could tell she liked it from the start at 3 months. She's very social and she gets all excited when I say we're going to school.

[lazysundays]

BTW, I work some weekends too, so that's when it gets tough on DH. A full day solo with baby for the whole weekend makes it feel like he didn't get a break at all.

[happyscooter]

Again, my number 1 piece of advice to anyone with a new house, new job, new baby, is to put your family first. Everything else HAS to take a back seat for a while until things settle down. People will make demands on you and get mad when you say 'no'. You have to do what is right for you and your family. KEEP REPEATING.

[Deleted]

Yogi I will say that one benefit of being home is that it became much easier to take hubby and me time alone, go on date nights again... Etc. Plus, while there is a pressure to being the breadwinner, it actually relieves the stress of who is raising the kids, who picks up today, who stays with a sick kid, who does the soccer/ ballet run.... Etc. While he helps out, it is not a primary concern for him at all ... In fact most of the daily household stuff is removed for dh in my being home... Which can also be, and in my dh case us sometimes more, 'burdensome'.

[pig]

Jul 12, 2011 7:38:10 GMT -5 happyscooter said:

My MIL could have taken care of our son (her grandchild) but choose not to. It was so hard on us, physically and financially. But they wanted us to 'appreciate' what we had since we had to work for it. Now, I will help out anyone I can until they start taking advantage of me. Which only happens once and then I said 'adios'.

What exactly is your MIL not watching your children have to do with you appreciating something?

[Deleted]

Jul 12, 2011 7:38:10 GMT -5 happyscooter said:

My MIL could have taken care of our son (her grandchild) but choose not to. It was so hard on us, physically and financially. But they wanted us to 'appreciate' what we had since we had to work for it. Now, I will help out anyone I can until they start taking advantage of me. Which only happens once and then I said 'adios'.

Wow. I could not imagine doing that to my kids.

[cael]

Jen I'm hoping (or am I? lol) to be in a similar situation when we have our first... I'm starting grad school next spring & we want to think about TTC in a year, so I'd probably still be in school when baby is born, unless it takes us a long time. Luckily my mother will be around for day care, part-time at least if not full-time, as I will probably continue to work full time (I make more) and DF (DH by then! ;D) will probably be working part-time, watching baby and taking classes. It'll be tough... but the thing is, we don't want to wait until we're 35+ to have our kids, we'd rather have them soon and close together, so we're going to tough it out for a few rough years & have them while we're in school. Again, the resource of my mother is going to be great - she is practically drooling over the prospect of grandchildren, and doesn't work anyway, so I'm sure she'd take care of the kiddo(s) for dirt cheap or nothing.

Of course, this plan depends on us being able to get pregnant easily!

[lazysundays]

oh, to note-
When baby got sick and one of us needed to take time off, DH is a consultant, so no work hours= no pay, for me it was hard to fill my shift, but I did save 2 weeks extra after maternity leave for the just in case of baby care. It turned out it worked best if I called out sick for part of the day, kept baby at home, and went to work at 530 after DH came home. This way it was easy to find coverage as people didn't have to stay at work so late.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jul 12, 2011 6:16:07 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

You figure it out as you go. No one knows what they are doing when they start.

Ain't that the truth.

I work fulltime, as does DH. I provide health insurance, he dealing with life insurance. He makes about 5k a year more than I do. I would go insane as a SAHP and so would he.

We have a 3+ year old DD and an 20+ month DS. 2 days a week assorted grandparents come to the house and watch the kids. My parents and I swap cars and they take the kids back to their house and I pick them up from there. The ILs stay at our house all day. The other 3 days the kids are at dcp.

5am - DH gets up
6am - I get up
6:45am - we get the kids up.
7-7:15am - we're out the door to dcp.
7:30am - start times for both DH and me at work.
4:15ish - I leave work to pick up the kids from dcp. My parents live across the street from dcp and the kids are well aware of that. We usually go over there for 10-45 minutes (last night we mooched a meal)
5-5:30pm - get home, start dinner.
6-6:45ish - eat/watch tv with kids (Curious George is the current favorite)
7pm - brush teeth, pjs and start bedtime routines.
7:15-7:30 - done with kids and can start chores.
7:45 - go back in to resettle DD.
8:15 - go back in to resettle DD.
7:30-9:30 - clean house, do dishes, deal with laundry, prep for tomorrow if possible.
9:30ish, go to sleep
2-4amish - go in by DS and resettle him. May take 5 minutes, may take 2+ hours.
5:10am - curse DH for forgetting to turn the alarm off when he got up.
Start all over again.

On the days the grandparents watch the kids, we don't have to get them up and out of the house. We let them sleep in. We're big believers in "kids needs a bedtime structure and 12-14 hrs. of sleep in a 24 hr. period." The tradeoff is that we get very little time with the kids.

Their needs trump mine and DH's.

ETA - I did the bfing/pumping thing for about 9-10 months for each kid. I'm still climbing out of the sleep deprivation pit/zombie zone I was in from that. I have very understanding bosses and 5 weeks of paid vacation a year, which helps on the sick kid front. I'm not permitted to use sick leave for anything other than my own illnesses or to cover an excused FMLA absence. So when we have a sick kid, DH and I debate our deadlines and whoever's deadline is less mission critical calls in (we're both IT.) In extreme cases, the grandparents will take them when sick but it's not the optimal solution.

[Deleted]

It's tough. The "life as you know it will end" statement is true. You won't get a baby to follow your schedule (especially one where you're gone that much), so you'll have to adapt to them. You both won't be able to work those hours unless you get some live-in help and even then, you probably won't WANT to because you'd never see your kids.

Right now, my week is all taking care of the kids, house and work. If I'm lucky and I can get them both to bed by 8, DH and I will snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie but we're usually so exhausted that we fall asleep halfway through it! LOL We try to schedule a date once a week, but that doesn't always work out. Kids get sick, can't get someone to watch them, etc.

I have a 9 year old and a one year old. It gets much easier once they hit 4 or 5, but before that they're very demanding. Now my 9 year old is starting to get into a lot of activities, so while he's pretty independant as far as day to day care, I still have to shuttle him around all over the place.

I love them both to death, but man, I sometimes fantasize about how easy life would be without kids!

[happyscooter]

Dr. Pig, it's hard to explain. Like we had to pay for a vacation place instead of using DH's parents place. That way we would appreciate our vacation more. So, if we had to pay for daycare, we would appreciate our time together more and appreciate our money more.